Silly Similies, Mediocre Metaphors

The object of using similes and metaphors is to "enlighten (emphasis mine) the (listener or reader) by submitting to him a case which he has apparently no concern, and upon which therefore a disinterested judgement may be elicited from him." Fowler's Modern English Usage.

Additionally, a simile is a "comparison proclaimed as such, whereas a metaphor is a tacit comparison (emphasis mine) made by the substitution of the compared notion for the one to be illustrated.... Metaphors serve as a means to explain or persuade; similes compare things of real or supposed beauty." Fowler.

Now that we've established the rules , let's look at a few similes and metaphors found in student writing.

"Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master."

If the woman's face was a "perfect oval," then it could not be an oval, which is "a rounded symmetrical shape longer than it is broad." Oxford Mini Dictionary. An imperfect oval may more likely be said to resemble a circle because it's not perfectly an oval. Also, do circles or ovals have "sides"? A tangent is a straight line that touches a curve, but a curve with sides? Finally, if a simile compares things of real or supposed beauty, what must be the outcome of a face compressed by a thigh master? Can working with a thigh master be described as a "gentle" operation? Nothing "of beauty" is compared here.

Silly similes like the one stated above serve to distract the reader or listener from the thing compared. That is not the point.

We'll be looking for silly similes and mediocre metaphors in the news.